Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
