Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
