My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
