You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
