Already got asked if we're dating
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
