My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
