he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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