final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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