Need sex. Gaining weight.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
