I wish my penis had an off switch
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i already hear my dad disowning me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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