i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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