I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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