Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
