Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
