Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
