fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I could fuck to npr.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
