we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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