he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
