Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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