Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
