like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
