My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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