I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize