I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
