Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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