If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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