i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
