Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
