Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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