She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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