You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
