My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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