Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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