i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
