so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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