Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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