Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
