dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
