my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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