You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
third nipple confirmed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
