Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
