You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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