If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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