Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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