my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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