Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize