What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
