nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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