dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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