She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
