im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
