boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
