I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize