That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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