Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
