I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
